dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
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I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful