What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
You Might Also Like
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?