I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
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[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Big Sex has us all fooled
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away