Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
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2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
j o i m p
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Yup!
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar