If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
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[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die