If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
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I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.