SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
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My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Saturday
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.