My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
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It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.