Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
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That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit