I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
You Might Also Like
Not today, today.
Not today.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???