I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
You Might Also Like
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
estão todos miauvindo?
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.