doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
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Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda