wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
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There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I’m having an out of money experience.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*