My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
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CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
don’t be scared
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
wtf is an acronym
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”