My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
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CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*