skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
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I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.