What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
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Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Its true…
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?