I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
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*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra