In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
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What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
worst…sale…ever
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.