doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!