My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
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Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex