3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
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it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Not helping
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
😆this is so true
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”