[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
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Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
so i’m at the stock market right
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.