*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
You Might Also Like
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food