[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
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When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head