Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
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[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
😂 amazing answer
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted