“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
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My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Ape together strong
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’