I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
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Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.