Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
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“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”