me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
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Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Otters drive ottermobiles.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?