trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
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*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Happy thanksgiving
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
it was a valiant fight
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)