Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
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i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Goat cheese is for herders.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen