Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
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Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.