love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.