Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
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Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.