I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
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Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?