Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
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Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
He wanted to make sure😂
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.