The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
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I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
My whole life was a lie.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Practicing safe sax
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
im all 3
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon