Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
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My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
58.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
This can never not be funny 😭😭
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
sigh