It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
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1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
why would tinder want me to say this
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.