When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
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It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Bring back the McRib
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}