I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
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No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Camping tip: No.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
when nothing goes right… go left
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket