BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
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I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
PLOT TWIST:
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.