[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
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2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance