60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
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Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.