I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
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[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
no regrets
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.