8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
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In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you