my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
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you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.