I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
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There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.