*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
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I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?